Haaa

In your head

2011-11-12T07:29:00.004-05:00

I think I lied about next time I update to have more of a sense of self.

Sure, maybe I do, but not too much more. For one, I left County and am now attending University! I'm majoring in Accounting and Marketing. I'm transferred jobs twice since then.

The short of it? I don't like taking other people's crap. I don't owe anyone anything and no one owes me anything. However, I choose not to be indecent to anyone, and I expect (more like demand) the decency to be returned.

The truth is that not everyone is decent and life will go on. My last job was full of backstabbing coworkers that were lazy, immature, and quite foul. After numerous months of fuming and applying at different jobs, my dad finally told me not to quit. Why should I have to leave a job I like because they people are jerks? So I went up the chain of command and finally complained to HR a number of times.

Once again, things aren't always as they seem.

Just because someone works in HR and has your back on paper, doesn't mean they have your back in real life. In fact, I feel more like a black sheep than anything since getting my job.

The short of it was that I transferred to a new branch, because that was my only alternative. It was that or continue putting up with crappy management and coworkers and eventually walk out of there.

Sadly, the grass isn't greener on the other side, and I am looking for a new line of work. See, I'm not looking for just Any job. I'm looking for The Job. The one. The bomb freakin' diggity. I'd like a place where your bosses aren't control freaks and try to subtly put you in your place time and time again (or not so subtly). I'd like to work where people are ethical and, perhaps, not fake.

Believe it or not, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not ever going to enjoy being low on the totem pole. I have too much self respect for this.

Oh, I have also been robbed! I say that, because I get the feeling that I may again. No one was injured, but it was definitely a story to tell and I'm glad they caught the guy.

In other news, I'm going to earn my Bachelor's next year and then get my MBA. I will offically be done school by 2014 (I hope, anyway).

I've been in a couple of short films and met a bunch of people intersted in that. I'd like to pursue it further, but I never have the time. On top of school and work and hanging out, I need time to recharge and I just don't have it.

I have copywritten a screenplay that I plan to direct and produce in the next year. After which, I will submit it to the Sundance Festival.

Why should I squash any dream I have?

I don't like anything holding me back. I don't like compromising. I don't like a lot of things. I'm still the same person, but I just have a lot of AIOJIOFH.

My values have remained the same. I find that everything has remained relatively unchanged and I don't see it changing in the future. I'm trying to finish a book and get it copywritten. I've only written about 16-20% of it.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, except that I wish I knew more people like me. Not exactly like me, but at least one other person. I guess Emily is the closest and I wish she were around more. Granted, I'd probably get even less done, but I wish it nonetheless.

Once I get new tires, I'd like to take a weekend trip out to see her. We haven't hung out in over a year and I have so much to tell her. Life isn't all peanut butter and honey. I'd like to let her know. I'm sure she knows.

Anyway, the one thing I've learned in 2011? Well, I've learned a lot. Namely: Be yourself. I'm not trying to make myself out to be anything I'm not. I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

I'm sure there is much more, but this will suffice for an early morning catch-up.

And care about yourself more than anyone, because no one else will do it for you.

suck it, world. No, just kidding.

2011-01-17T21:54:00.005-05:00

I start classes Wednesday. Yes. Once again, I am in the same place I've been for ohhh my fourth and final year. Let's be honest though, 2009 was a year that didn't count. I wasn't going to school. I was being too cool, you know?

Fuck 2009. I just want to say that.

I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel a strange bitterness toward it. In fact, I kind of want to say that about every year since I've graduated.

John and I were discussing the many aspects of our settling little lives. We used to have bigger ideas. Bigger dreams, you know? No, probably not. I'm selling us short. I'm still set on being 50 someday and singing some Third Eye Blind with him and reminiscing about all of the shady shit that's ever occurred in our lives. "What shady shit?" you ask. I'm inclined to say, "none of your damn business, that's what."

So that's what I'll say.

Yep.

Loose ends. I wonder. I wonder what might have happened if different roads were taken. Or more importantly, if I choose different ones than I'm going to choose. I pick what I want to do. Any time I've done something I didn't want to do, was just one more thing that harboured a silent hostility within me. If it's for the greater good (aka, MY good), then I won't be so IAKJFEGHIET about it. So, for instance, despite not wanting to attend this same school for "business," I understand that I'll never have to rely on any person.

Without mentioning names, I know a few people who would love to be stay-at-home-piecesofshit. !!!!!!!!!!!!

Was that too much? Should I be more....oh, I don't know--understanding?

Maybe I have too much pride to ever get sucked into a shithole as such. Whoa whoa, you're wondering. Where is this coming from?

And I'm going to point to my aforementioned inclination (it's up there a couple of a paragraphs).

The one thing that hasn't ever changed for me is knowing what I am. Not 'who' because I think that's everchanging. I'll change my opinions if I feel otherwise, but what I'm made of has never swayed. I feel I'm cheating everyone by not telling what That is, but it's mine.

I only wish that anyone whose life I've touched could take one thing from me. A sense of self.

The other night I was not in my neck of the woods. You never know who you'll run into. I never worry, really. Even people I wouldn't ever want to see, if I had to, I'd kill them with kindness, you know? And not that shitty kindness where someone's too nice--overkill. Just civil.

"actions speak louder than words."

Yes.

Anyway, this is all just an aside. I'm just trying to say that if you had handed me my life story when I was sixteen--this is not what it'd have been.

I had two in mind.

1. Going balls to the wall and talking to that guy. Him suddenly realizing how perfect we were. The long distance relationship working out. Both getting badass degrees (I know, but being a writer was the most badass idea to me), moving to some crazy ass city with Emily and (insert) soulmate. Dinner parties and book signings (yeah, in my mind, I'd be on the New York Best Seller list). And then dying before 30. 27-28 ish. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't (and sometimes can't) fathom where the F I'd be. Not just in body, but you know? YOU KNOW? No. F U, mirite? Yeah, I am.

2. I even wrote this one down in my scrapbook. Dead. I forget the exact wording. I didn't have school as a priority really. It was more just to shut my mom up and for her to have something to say to my dad. "Oh yeah, she's a great student." I remember the drive up to school. "Mom, I don't think I need a degree in writing. I don't think you can really teach creative writing...." and that's when she suggested photojournalism. "...well...I think that's the same thing...but I'll get to take photos...okay. Let's do that" so we switched my major. (And see, even then, having a degree wasn't important, it was what I'd learn. What was more practical)

But we're talking about 16 year old me. My second thought was much more realistic to me. I had no thought of the future really. I still have my old paper journals. Not much thought about growin' up. Very in the moment.

And I think, for the most part, I'm still very much like that. I don't REALLY want to think about a year from now. Or five. Or even compare the last few.

The very idea just gets to me. Why?

When I was nineteen, I remember writing about my life being a book with misplaced chapters. Things that should've happened later...happened too soon. Missed opportunities. I had it much more well versed than I do now. I was angry. Really angry. How could the universe have done this? I mean, really! My whole life would have been different if the universe had just been suspended in time and I could rearrange the events in a different order.

F'd up?

Maybe. Nineteen. (I'm raising an eyebrow. I'm feeling quite smug. I wish I could give nineteen year old me a pat on the back and a quiet, "you'll live and feel this way again").

Fast forward to now.

I almost typed twenty-one.

Twenty-TWO. FML.

Part of me still agrees. I'm not angry, but I agree. If the universe was suspended in time for a few moments to rearrange things--my book would be different. "Well, would you change it?" That's my business. And more importantly, "it's entirely impossible." I mean, existentialism. Everything that happened wasn't "the universe" at all. It was me. It was my choices. My actions, my reactions--my life, you know? I'm human. Does everything "happen for a reason?" I say that when I'm upset. It's something I do wish was true. Do I believe it? Not so much. I do sometimes and I don't. Ask me ten days in a row and I'll change my answer. It varies from moment to moment. I do believe I've made my choices, though. I can't really ask what if, because I can change whatever I want. I can't ever say I don't regret doing something. I can do it now. Forever. I'm not going to be stuck in a rut. Ever. I have been, and I won't again. I think you lose sight of your own wants when you try to interfere with someone else's life. Stick to your own. You're going to be pretty disappointed in people. Or perhaps my "expectations" are always too high.

I sincerely think not, but then what are these "expectations" anyway. Decency. My definition of decency isn't everyone else's. I'm okay with that. Mostly because mine is the only one I've deemed important.

Call me stubborn. I'm still stickin' with my thoughts. I agree with me and that's really all I ever need.

Rereading things, I can still put myself in my old shoes. Long drives to nowhere. Wondering what the f has become of people I used to know. Though, for me, the very few people that I give a sweeping poo about are still around and I don't see them ever going anywhere. I'm also really good at telling the fate of people (in terms of my life). So, the few that have been around since I was 15 or so...keepers.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm still me. Same. Nothing has changed. My cynicism is greatly dissolved. In fact, I can't say I'm a cynic. I couldn't care less about most things or people. But I can say that no matter what (I mean, so long as some raging serial killer slaughters my entire family GOD FORBID), I will be a pretty a-okay person. Not too touched by much. I mean, life will go on and I'll come back here and let everyone know that I'm still me. Same old.

And yet, with that same token...so is everyone else.

You get to thinking about people you don't like "anymore." Why not? Was it so sudden that your thoughts changed? Or was it something that was always there but grew? Did you think that maybe they could change? Or that maybe you'd grow to look past it? That old thing people tell you to look past the details.

I've learned one serious thing in 2010. One.

Details.

I LOVE ketchup. I love pepper. I really love onions on my eggs. I love garlic and basil on my pizza. I love more honey in my yogurt than yogurt. I love the more BBQ sauce than mashed potatoes. I like ketchup and mustard on fries more than fries. And more mustard on a pretzel than a pretzel.

you know?

I was eating my toast this morning and I thought, "man, I love peanut butter and honey, but why?" Like ...why do I like the sides more than the actual THING? Is it deeper than just what I'm seeing?

And I just realized it now. The big picture was never that important to me. Ever.

What is, then?

Not sure. It's somewhere between ketchup and mustard.

I still haven't figured out what's IT, but I think that, too, changes.

I'm not trying to fit some stupid mold or (insert other stupid things some people do). I'm going to update in here again with an even more sense of self.

There was a day when I was really upset about being ME one day a few years ago. But, I'd rather be dead than anyone else. Didn't take me longer than a nanosecond to figure that one out.

I can say, I'm still in that mindset. Rather be dead than anybody else.

2010-10-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

I received my first digital camera on Christmas when I was a senior in high school; a coolpix 4800. I can say that this was the first time I was in love. Perhaps the only. Well, until I met my current camera, but I guess everyone says that about everything. I took over three thousand photos within the first week. I didn't have a car until the summer and so I was always a passenger to someone else. I never thought I'd say I miss it. I'm not saying it now, either.

My point is that I used to take photos of everything. Trees, leaves, sidewalks, people, friends, feet--anything. I have photobuckets filled with memories. Occasionally, I'll glance through them....and I have nothing to show for these days. Three cameras later and what? Okay, I have photos. I do have a lot of photos, but they're more calculated. It's not even that fun anymore. It's "who can take a better photograph?" or "is this saturated enough?" or my favorite "is this too contrasted? I see some grey..."

What happened to just capturing moments? What happened to listening to Free Falling and taking the same pictures (that never turned out the same) of traffic while swerving around on ice and thinking, "man, if we crash, these photos will be gone too."

Classes. School. Knowledge of what's acceptable. What's right. My first photo class in college was awful. Every photo I had was too contrasted and I couldn't get rid of the dust on the film. Wasted hundreds of dollars on paper and film. Energy spent trying to impress a teacher that would never really be impressed. Ideas. More ideas. "You're not Ansel Adams; he's already done what you're going to do--and better." And he was right. Freakin' Ansel Adams. I mean, kudos. His film was gigantic, I will never do that. I don't ever want to. Thanks to him, any photo of a landscape I will ever take...pales in comparison to his work.

I'm okay with that.

But what am I doing? Who am I? Do I need a label? Can't I just take photos?

No. Not since I got my Rebel. Not since I got a nicer lens. I'd be wasting my energy on nothing, right?

Maybe. But I refuse to be one of those snotty bastards with nice cameras that forget why they're taking a picture. I fall into that sometimes. I try to get the best picture and kick myself when I realize my errors. And then...inevitably, I see someone with photography that is vastly superior to my own...and what are they doing? They're not doing anything with it. No big break. Nada. Zilch. Squat.

Yeah, obviously this is the dilemma I have when I think about picking up my camera.

My teacher said there are two types of photographers. One is the type that have to set everything up. They have a photo created in their mind before they even pick up the camera. The other is someone that goes in search of something. That just does it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I am the former. I can always see in my mind before I even think about taking a photo. I didn't use to be this way. To get out of this habit, he had us all buy medium format cameras without any controls. "Just go out and shoot."

I went out and shot. It was misery. I couldn't set anything up. All I had was a flimsy piece of plastic that controlled a TINY amount of focus. When I developed my rolls...nothing astounding came out, but I secretly really loved how unique everyone's looked. I haven't used mine since because I don't know where I could develop medium format. Not just that, but it just seems futile, I guess.

"So what the heck is your point," you're asking. Or maybe you're not. I'll answer.

My point is: I created this new blog, because I need a place to put my little side projects. They're nothing special. Amateur, at best. I'm using my point and shoot. Sometimes in auto, lots of times in manual (but I mean, how technical can I get with a point and shoot). I haven't used my point and shoot for anything in a while.

Lately, I've been passenger. Seeing things through other people's eyes. I drive the same roads, I see things every day. I love them, but I want to see another person's route, routine, life. Just from a different perspective.

I'm using my DSC-H3. If I happen to take my DSLR, I'll caption it. I may. Who's to say I can't use that for something other than "more serious" photos.

When did I start caring about other people and their thoughts? When did I start comparing?

Man. Back to me. Back to what I'm looking for. What ever that may be.

meantforsea.blogspot.com

just 'cause

africa or mexico

2010-09-01T22:45:00.003-04:00

Snap, I'm slacking again! Too much to keep up with, I guess. I feel like more than half of my livejournal entries aren't even "friends only" anymore so much as they're private. I don't like answering to people all the time, or feeling judged, or letting anyone into my head.

Not any more than I want to, anyway.

Summer came and went (for which I'm actually glad). A couple beach days, a trip up to Ohio to visit my best friend, and then my best friend came down here. Today I started classes. When my professor asked how my summer was, I said it was great. I really didn't think so when I said it...and I dreaded him asking me why. Now, thinking about it, I realize it was great. I couldn've have asked for anything more. It all happened for a reason. This whole year I've grown. I'll continue growing, but from February to now--and even today, I just shed so much skin.

Reading old e-mails--even outbox messages...it just all clicked. I had the right idea. I was right. Why I second-guessed myself in my life (at all) is beyond me. Yeah, I'm skeptical. Sure, I'm paranoid. The truth is...at the end of the day, if something feels wrong in my stomach or in my chest--if there's a knot...I need out. Out out out.

Sometimes I think I do things because I feel them, but not until much later does my mind actually understand it. I'm glad. I mean, not glad that I dont understand, but glad that I believe what I feel without any basis for it (or seemingly any basis).

I'm taking four classes this semester. For some reason, I feel like this will be a strange semester. I feel detached from my classes. I know a couple people in my classes, a few of the professors...but...it's different. Last semester felt more like home. I can't put my finger on why, but it's true. I really want to get out of here. Next week I'm going to call Rutgers and have them audit my courses. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to. I'm not old by any means, but I feel old compared to the eighteen year olds just coming in.

When Emily visited, I realized that this was it. I mean, I knew it all these years, but I really knew it. When I dropped her off at the train station that Monday morning, I was cool about it. No big, right? Wrong. Driving home, I couldnt contain it. I realized that I would trade any one of my friends here to have her around more often. On top of that, it was put into perspective how she's still my friend--miles away and even if we don't talk every day. I think she's more of a friend than any of my friends have been combined. Outside of John (who's let me live with him if necessary), Emily's been there. She knows more about me and my entire life than anyone else (outside of family). To boot, she's never once judged me or behaved like she was looking down on me. And trust me, there were times when she was warranted them. I mean, come on, spending too much time on someone that sucked the life out of me? And even now, or then, when I'd kick myself for it, she never talked smack like everyone (I mean the few people that knew) else. I may have, but she didn't.

Anyway, best friend.

This year has been riddled with connections and disconnections. I'm pretty psyched about both. I think you grow via both. You can't grow without separations and you cant have separations without connections. Do I think I'm going to separate from every single person that impacts my life? Maybe. I hope not. There are a handful of people that I hope never separate, but I can't tell the future. And who's to say that ten years from now, I'll be thankful these same people and I went our separate ways? Exactly. No one. No one knows.

I'm not sure what else there is to say (that I don't feel is too personal). I'm hoping that things pan out the way I'd like them to, but I know that someday I'll be driving home from somewhere or other and I'll know why things didn't pan out that way. I do that now. I drive home from work or school and I think of the many "friends" that weren't really worthy of time or too petty to keep. I think of the lovers or potential lovers that didn't work because there was nothing there. Majors that didn't cut it. Jobs that I loathed.

And somehow, I have everything I need and am not really taking it for granted. I'd rather have what I have now (or what I'm lucky to have) than shitty friends, crappy jobs, or less-than-awesome people in my life.

so

hopefully the next time I update, I have more tangible things, but I'm more than content with this.

I was out catching up to tomorrow, or was I caught up in the past?

2010-03-02T02:40:00.003-05:00

Why good evening (morning) Blogspot. This is totally me procrastinating on sleep. I'm not sure WHY I'm not tired. I didn't have any...oh. No, I did have caffeine. I remember now. Even though I never drink soda, I...was so thirsty and there it was. And sure, I hiccuped and burped and felt uncomfortable after I had that glass...and yeah, maybe it didn't quench my thirst. Of course, NOW I realize why I'm awake at 2:45. This is about the time that I'd wake up and toss and turn for a few minutes--perhaps even use the bathroom. Instead, I'm awake. Cutting into my dream time.

I had the best dream last night. It had to do with me accidentally impulsively timing five bombs for the following year and not being able to tell anyone. It was really intense. When I woke up, I texted it to myself. I've gotten into the habit of texting my dreams to myself. I should just email them to myself (since the phone does that, and I wouldn't have to worry about sending two different texts) but...then I get too descriptive and forget the point.

So what has happened? I now work at The Bank. Fancy. Not really. I recall saying I'd never work again and get my book published. Not sure why I stopped writing it. Oh, while I was in Florida, G Rida or some guy I met on the plane asked me to do his photoshoot. He was a rapper. At first I thought YEAH. COOL. BREAKING DOWN BARRIERS. And then I said no. He was odd, I didn't know Florida like I know Jersey. And...he was a strange character. And not strange in the "oh he seems cool, we could get along strange." More of a "is he on drugs? They must not be the good kind." I really hope his name wasn't that, because what if he finds my blog and hunts me down and you know. ...

paranoid?

Maybe I am now that I thought it. Not really.

Other that than, I'm back in school...at CCC ...again. I'm going for accounting. Upon realization that anything artsy and creative will probably not help me get my own house or even move out...I decided to pick something more practical. Am I now boring? Yes. A little bit. My stresses are trivial. "What if I don't GET algebra?" "What if I suck at microeconomics?" "What if debits and credits just DONT MAKE SENSE"

Am I insecure with my intelligence? Of course not. I know that the majority of this bullshit is totally unnecessary and I'm trying not to think about that. If I really sit down and think about what is unnecessary...I could say everything. Even contact with other people. What's the point? What's the point to anything. Anyway, we all know that gets me nowhere except in my room wondering "whatdoesitallmean?" I don't feel like having one of those conversations today. Or soon. Or at all anymore. I've already recognized the futility. I feel like I mention that I noticed it a lot more now that I noticed it. I'm not saying I'm okay with it...but...I'm not freaking out driving and crying on roads in the middle of the night and wondering how everyone can face this reality and still live with their selfish selves.

Anything personal new? Of course I'll omit it on blogspot. I'll just say....I feel relieved. I'm not sure WHY things turn out the way they do. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do or why I think the way I do, or even why I say or do the things I do. The truth is, I need to follow my gut more often and not my head. Sometimes just because something sounds right doesn't mean it feels right. And that's not an excuse to wait it out. What am I saying with my vagueness? Nothing. I probably wont know what I mean three years from now. Just kidding I'm sure I will.

I think it's that time of night where I'm getting tired but quickly using the rest of my energy. I don't do anymore drawing since I left ARM. I draw on the whiteboard. Since it's March, I get to draw another idea. No idea what though. March is a shitty month. I'd hate to be born in March. It's the most useless month. At least in April it rains. April sounds nice. But March....definitely got the short end of the stick. I really hope I don't know anyone with a birthday in March.

I'd like to get back into writing...but I truthfully don't see it happening again soon. I think while I was in Florida...I felt like I needed to write. I needed to! Now that I'm home...I feel like I need to experience more things. I have more things to go through. I can't just write something fake. The worst thing is faking it.

Just like you can't fake writing a love song, you can't fake writing a book. On top of that, I guess you could add you can't fake loving someone either. Was that revealing too much? No. Not really anyway. I'm not saying or implying I faked loving anyone or that anyone faked loving me. It's just that time of night when I start to read over old journal entries and I start to think about what I was thinking about when I was writing them and wondering how I came to conclusions that I came to.

I want to see Owen again. I'd like to. I'd like sounds better than want. It always has. Just like talking with vs talking to. Even though it's just a simple grammar thing, I think it means more. To me, anyway. Like hugging vs kissing on the cheek. Suuuuuuure kissing on the cheek is what everyone did in Romania. And sure, maybe I used to hate hugs. But only when I was totally deprived of them, did I realize I wanted one. And sure, I'm still not sweet on hugs, but I'll never forget certain ones. The ones that actually mean something. It's like falling into a safety net and you're totally understood. Or maybe I interpret them differently.

I miss my grandmom. I really hope she gets better. I know it sounds bad, but when I think of all the people in the world, it just rubs me the wrong way to know that there are total assholes out there (violent, criminal asswipes) living healthy (except for mentally) and a good person might not.

goodnight.

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade

2009-10-01T23:41:00.004-04:00

livejournal is down.

:(

I wrote a whole long thing on here...then decided even though it wasn't too personal...it's still not something I want to share with people I dont even know.

bah. and it's still down (half hour later). Sigh. not like I had anything to update about. Well, I didn't until I started typing.

Romania was interesting. Florida is pretty hot. I've stopped straightening my hair and putting on eyeliner is a pain. Went to the beach today and forgot my SPF 70. Needless to say, I'm pretty ruined. I had to take two ibuprofen just to walk (my legs are all burned and when they bend, everything starts to ache). I'm going to dive into my bed when I get the energy to stand. I'm not tired, just exhausted.

I've been working on my novel. I dont intend on working another dead-end job again. This means that I can't really work again. So I'm really banking on getting this (or my next) novel published. I know that sounds naive and if I were you, I'd bank on me getting another job or going back to school. I change like the weather.

The weather in Florida's pretty constant.

There's a lot to say but I dont feel like saying it here. I'm all itchy from the sun. I've been getting back into Death Cab. I always do this. I love a band for a while (this time back when I was in high school), and then I move on.

Yeah. When I come back, I have plenty of ideas for photoshoots. I can't wait until halloween. I can't wait until I'm in jersey. I cant wait to sit in my car and not even move. I feel like this experience was something so life-changing that even now I"m not realizing it fully (butI am).

It's not just that I've taken things for granted (I have), but I feel like I'm taken for granted sometimes too. Yeah that sounds lame, but it's true. I need to make some major changes in my life and who I surround myself with.

....I'd go to bed but I dont have too much DCFC on my mp3 player and there's no way to add it on here without the CD. Thats okay though.

I love how I'm like "yeah I have nothing to say even though I just updated. so I cant have much to say now" and then go into a 2389435 page rant about nothing.

-facepalm-

you will forget about me when I'm on that plane

2009-09-01T00:46:00.002-04:00

Today (technically yesterday) was my last day of work. Originally, I was just going to get my paycheck and waltz on out (without telling anyone). I guess that didn't happen. I told JD I was leaving (in secrecy). He suggested I tell Rich so that I leave on good terms. I hate awkwardness, so EH! But I guess he told him. Then Rich asked me to write my resignation letter (just in case I want to come back someday). I wrote a banging letter. I mean, I'd cry if I had to watch someone leave my company after that great of a letter.

Really. I should stick to my writing skills. Epic sigh.

hahaha anyway, so today was my last day. After I got my check, I just wanted to leave. There's really no point for me to be there. Around 7:50, Rich walked over and goes "...what are you still doing here?"
me: Today's my last day; I leave at nine.
Rich: I would've left at 4 when I got my check.
me: Yeahh I WANTED to do that, but that's not cool.
Rich: No, you did the right thing, you can go.
me: now?
Rich: Yeah, there's no point for you to be here. You're re-hire-able (is that a word?), don't worry about it. If you come back, you're in.

PEACE'd out of that joint and drove my behind home. Awesome, liberating drive home.

My mom leaves for Florida tomorrow morning. I'm sad?! I won't see her until mid-october. I feel so gay. I won't miss anyone else! That stinks!

My flight is September 6th at 10am. I get to Florida at 1. I got a bikini. hahha yeah, I can't see my pale ass in it, either, but whatever. I'll be on the beach at some point, so ....I guess this is what I will be wearing. It's a black sting bottom and plaid green top. I like it enough to wear it.

What else?

I've been doing random photoshoots lately. Definitely not as many as I'd like, but it's better than what I've done all year. Tomorrow I'm having an Area 51 shoot. I have this fantastic air-force suit. John's going to be my model. I'm going to do the "Behind the (scenes) Lunar Landing." I'm excited! I also have to buy a new pair of sneakers.

I don't know what kind, but I want something that isn't too bulky. I need it for walking in Romania. I'm also going to a wedding in the mountains up there. Fancy! I get to wear sweaters and long-sleeved shirts. There is no humidity! After nearly three weeks there, I'm going back to Florida and staying there for about two weeks.

When I come to Jersey, it'll be mid-October. It'll be crisp weather and I'll have plenty of time to do some shooting. Also, since it'll be October, I think people will be more in the mood to let me gore them up and take violent pictures of them in horrific looking places (without thinking I'm a nut-case). Then Halloween! I actually need (yes NEED) plans this time. I've worked for the past three so I want to do something fun. Then in November it John and my birthday. I think we're going to take a weekend to go to New York. I don't know. We need to do something to celebrate how far we've come (from our fickle, emotional high school selves). I'm really glad we're still best friends and that even though a LOT has changed....our fundamentals are still the same.

At the end of the day, there are few people I can sit in silence with and not feel like they're waiting for me to say something. Or that I can rant about life to and not feel like I'm being judged as a cynical, hypocritical bastard. And...truthfully, as long as you have ONE person that stands by you through thick and thin...well you don't need anything else.

School-wise, I still haven't figured it out. I'd like to attend the spring semester. I'm torn between so many things right now. I'm torn between being young and following my (dreams) ideas and seeing where they take me, picking a career, and not being broke.

-When I come back from my trip, I want to get a monologue and go to a casting call. I'm still very serious about it. I feel like I need to experience more to take it more seriously.
-I want to sit down and edit my novel (Sadly Twisted), finish editing, and get it published (not attempt...I WILL have this published).
-I want to learn to play guitar better. I play...okay...and my singing just downright blows. When I was in high school, I was a lot less judgmental of myself. Now, if I sing out of tune, I get frustrated and not play for weeks. I'm much harder on myself. I feel like there are expectations now.
-Ideally, I'd love to learn to play piano. I just feel it would benefit me greatly. I would have such more of a drive to do things. Then again...I may just be banking on something because I know I'll never do it. However...I will! I just need to get lessons or have someone (that already plays) to teach me.
-Still, I'm set on creating a photography book. I have tons of ideas for a book. I want to build my portfolio. Whenever anyone asks me to take their photos, I don't say no anymore. In fact, I find myself asking random strangers to take their portraits. If you only live once, and you risk not running into someone again...why take that for granted? I still do it, I get cold feet. I'm nervous. But I don't want anything to stand in my way when I want something (photography-wise).

In terms of a job, I still thinking working as a Psych-aid would be wonderful. Tiffany used to work in the psych-ward as a nutritionist. When I come home, that's where I'm going to apply. I have enough saved up to make minimum payments on my car. I'm also ahead by about a year, so I have nothing (financially) to worry about. Worst case scenario, I go back to waiting tables or back to being a collector. I'd rather not do either of those, but I do understand that I may have to (at least not until next summer). I also don't want to burn through my savings, simply because I'm trying different avenues. I think that as long as I plan my time wisely, I'll be able to do everything I'd like to and still have a job (that I like).

This was very long. I feel like I won't see blogspot (or a computer) for almost two months. ACTUALLY, while I'm in Florida, I will have a computer. I don't want to be on it though. I want to take a vacation from New Jersey. You can take that personally, I don't care. I just feel like this year has been a big Poop-chute. My biggest problem (this year) has been of having expectations of people and being disappointed. Actually, it wasn't even expectations as it was of a sense of normalcy. I know that it doesn't exist, but to an extent...I still feel like there should be SOME things that are commonplace. I mean, right?!

Anyway, I'm not going to say "2010 will be a better year" because I'm still in 2009. Once I realized how certain people, things, etc were affecting me (negatively), I removed them from my life. Life is way too short to try and "fix" people that I think are ...broken? No, but not up to speed with life/my wavelength.

Someone once told me that the most you can do is show people the glasses to life. You can't force anyone to put them on. They have to want to. Of course I'll continue being myself and teaching whatever I know (or learning what I dont) to others, but I'm not going to dwell in the sad realization that some people can't grow, are stuck in their ways, and that's that.

soooooooo long update later: Don't expect anything! Live life, have fun, and don't regret a thing you do. oh and most importantly, don't change a thing to impress someone you know. Be yourself. If that's not enough, then it's not worth it to begin with.

2009-08-04T01:00:00.000-04:00

Totally just spent an unnecessary 400$ on a camera lens. I figure, this will be my last time to splurge. Get everything while I still can afford it, right?

who knows when I'll come back from Florida. Probably soon, seeing as humidity is the fastest way for me to run away.

I am so tired. I have work at 8. I dont want to go to sleep. It's 1.

what am I gonna do with my life. iOAUSOIHYEIT guess I'll go to sleep so I dont freak out.

crocodile alligator.

2009-08-03T11:28:00.002-04:00

So I'm not going to school this semester. I'll just let you know, I'm going to Romania. I leave for Florida September 7th and go to Romania September 9th. I'll be there until the 25th. Then I go back to Florida for a little bit.

Quitting my job September 5th or so? Annnd yeah, that's about it. No school this semester. Don't know what I'm gonna do.

found that whilst looking for the real version.

like the summer flowers, our love is dead. Dead and gone

2009-07-06T23:23:00.002-04:00

I had a few ideas, and then I squashed them. Mostly I get killer headaches when I have late nights at work. I think it's because that's when I realize that I'm not where I want to be forever. I'm not really in a rush to end up where I belong (or am I?). I'm just not happy being content. I'm always looking for the next best thing and I feel like I have stopped. Well, I haven't, but I haven't moved on yet. It's....BLAH.

I was going to do theatrical makeup for films. Then I realized that I would never get into that without shelling out X amount of money to learn how to do it (and perhaps realize I don't even like it). I'm not entirely sure how I gave up on that bright idea.

Now, I'm on an acting kick. I try not to nose-dive into things head first (my track record of epic fails ...well it doesn't really exist, because I don't jump without checkin' it out). So instead of going and memorizing a monologue and trying out for some lead role, I'm starting small. ...super small. Non-speaking-part small.

That's right.

AN EXTRA.

I've poorly taken a self-portrait. Tomorrow evening, John is going to take one of me. I only took it so fast because today I realized, I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to work a job that I'm not supposed to be working. "Well who's supposed to work it then?" ...um, I don't really care. But not me. So, I rushed, and I guess like I've said (well, in livejournal), I like to think actions speak louder than words. Or in this case...photos. So I am banking on at least getting a call back, and then making an impression that way. Believe it or not, I'm more approachable than not when I'm determined to win (or get a part).

I also got the Canon TI1. I guess I'm pretty happy about it. I've gone to the zoo, aquarium, and battleship. I've taken a bunch of photos, but not that great. I lack a zoom lens. They are pretty expensive. Honestly.........I've had thoughts about just returning the camera. I see now that I don't have the time to go out and do photography as much as I did before. I still love it, but there's so much hassle. I have to get a lens. I just got a bag for it. It's just not...delivering. I could have just put that money towards paying off my car.

And the truth is, I hate even muttering the phrase "paying off my car." I am TWENTY. Why do I have to be so freakin' responsible? It is sickening me so much lately. I'm seriously annoyed at how much slack I pick up for people. Not even that, it's just that I never RELAX. I'm always too......responsible. It's old. I hate people that are as responsible. I don't like having a full time job and bills. I dont really have bills, but still. I know I chose this, but it's not like I have any other (REALISTIC) ideas. I mean, according to most people, this extra idea is a load of poop and truthfully, I'd probably agree.

But you never know until you try. Plus I think I could succeed if I actually TRIED. That's my issue. Never really trying. Maybe I won't try.

I'll just do.

I'll just unplug it for today

2009-06-03T21:52:00.004-04:00

Sooooooooo my job still sucks. I had a job interview somewhere else, but I called them up and said nahhh. Why? Maybe I'm a sadist? hAhah no. Actually, I don't know why. I just felt IAHWIHET and said no.

I really want to get a new camera (shhhh a DSLR shhh), but I don't want to shell out that much money yet (especially considering I don't want to work here forever! and my car still has like six more months?!or something.) SIGH. :(!

OH which reminds me. I did not receive my diploma because of an apparent 1600$ balance? WHAT. I don't feel like ranting. BUT I will be there Monday morning to give them an earful. SIGH x 1000.

There are a ton of ideas that I have in my head right now. I just have to set a time apart for these ideas. I've made it a point to close myself off (more than usual) to get some things done. Among a whole slew of others, I want to write more, set time aside for these photoshoots that I always dream about but never do, work on my portfolio, and perhaps play more music.

That aside, I've been at work all of the time. I'm slightly miserable because of this school situation, but everything else is going quite swimmingly. Here are some things I do at my job:

My scanner works now, but my mom changed the users on the computer...and I can't get on! So I still use my camera. SIGH. And I'm too lazy to ask her to change it. These all look much better in person!

here are the ones I like best though. ENLARGED SORTA

2009-03-23T22:30:00.003-04:00

So, today I go to work, right? And the phones are down. We cannot log on at all. Great! I almost get some hope that we'll be sent home. I can think of 12 different things I'd be doing instead. Mm. I didn't get my hopes up. ANYWAY, one of my first calls goes something like this:

me: may I speak with Neil?
unidentified male (aka probably Neil): uh why
me: I need to speak with him
UIM: who are you with?
me: ARM
UIM: what is that? (getting irritated)
me: Well, Neil knows who we are. It's confidential.
UIM: WELL EFF YOU. YOURE AN ASS. I THINK I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
me: ...........................................................................so...are---CLICK.

PAOJHYOETYHOE$*#YTH^"*)#WY)H I've never been yelled at. Guess I jinxed that. I ended up being yelled at a few times today. Anyway, that phone call changed a lot. I'm finding a new job. I'm through here. Psh. I hope everyone that has outstanding bills, and is a big YOUKNOWWHAT, well I hope you all get sued and lose your houses. You are terribly irresponsible people. And you know, I don't even care anymore. I know you can't really say how YOU"D be if you were ever in that position, but I'm willing to bet my life that I will never be a completely disrespectful twit to someone that calls me house. So, yeah.

I'm going to find something else. Honestly, I kind of want to work for a lottery company. Well actually, I want to take every number in the collection agency's system...and call them from another number. Then, I can tell them that they've won a lot of money. And after they're all elated, I want to squash their little hearts. "ACTUALLY, YOU MORON, YOU DID NOT WIN. YOU ACTUALLY OWE 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS. AHHAHAHAHA" and hang up. AHHAHAHAHAH I should never work with people. I just should not.

I miss waitressing sometimes. It was different. I don't want to go back to it. I may. Maybe. Probably not. I'm looking for something else. I'll find something else before May. Or maybe I am just fed up for the month of March.

OKAY. So I drew more debtors today. Here they all are.

This is what I imagine some of my people look like. I probably sound negative throughout this entry. Well, this is not the job for me. Maybe if I eventually become immune to idiots. It could happen. Never know. Other than that, I've been busy, actually hanging out with people that I miss/haventseen. It's funny the things you can do.

Also, we're moving. My mom is selling the house. Some lady is stopping by tomorrow. I asked my mom to move to another state. She's got no real issues with that. She suggested Canada. I doubt we'll leave Jersey, but it was a good talk.

Anyway, the song Happy Kid by Nada Surf always does the trick.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION COMPANIES SUCK

2009-03-19T17:09:00.003-04:00

I was going to save and make a post with my new drawings, but I'm so lazy. Taking a picture, resizing it,....WHY BOTHER?

So, instead, I decided to post-pone that.

Now, let me give you all some advice. If you happen to cross this entry, REMEMBER THIS. FOREVER. If you take one thing from me, take this.

NEVER SIGN UP/JOIN A DEBT CONSOLIDATION COMPANY. I REPEAT. DEBT CONSOLIDATION COMPANIES ARE THE BIGGEST SHAMS I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. HERE ARE A FEW OF THESE BOTTOM-FEEDING BASTARDS:

1. FREEDOM FINANCIAL (more like chained4life)
2. CREDIT ONE (more like f'ing your credit and taking your last pennies)

And I'm sure there are more, but I don't remember them (or care to Google their lying, sleezebag names).

Now, if you are an idiot. Just click off this page right now, and go sign up. I'd give you the link, but I don't think I could go on living. If you want to see what's really up....WAIT JUST ONE MOMENT.

Here is what happens:

These people are called "negotiators." Okay, backtrack. Let me tell you the steps.

Steps:

1. You call these scoundrels up, and they listen to your sad, sappy story about how you were laid off, how you couldn't make payments, and how you're so tired of the letters and the phone calls. Basically, they have you on mute, and when you finish crying or complaining, they tell you that you've come to the right place.
2. They then become your POA (power of attorney). They're not REALLY attorneys. They are a person, just like I am, and they act like they are high up. Really, they're making 7.15 an hour, and you know who is paying their salary? Right, Wife-guy, YOU are.
3. Then, they come up with a "payment plan" so that you can pay THEM to PAY US (us meaning the creditor or the collection agency). The catch is, they sit on your money. Say you have 30k worth of debt on four different mastercards. They charge you say 500$ a month. And they make promises "we'll cut all your cards in half, you'll be saving a buttload" Oh and they also promise that they can freeze your interest and get you lower (insert whatever currency jargon you want here).
4. Out of that 500$, 200$ goes in their pockets. Because...they need to be paid for their services. "wait a second" (this is what a smart person would ask, but then I guess if you've signed up with them, you're a downright idiot), "what exactly...are they...doing? How can they cut this in half? How come I can't? Did they go to college? How can 500$ a month save me 30K?"

IT DOESNT, YOU TWAT.

5. So you're spending 500 a month and only 300 is going towards your accounts, right? Wrong. That 300 stays there. It stays in their little piggy bank. They leave it there. They have your name on it. It just sits there nice and pretty. That 300$ adds up in your bank.
6. I call you up. You develop a backbone (borrowed from Bottom-Feeder), "UM, I'm with a debt consolidation company, so you can just talk to them." Then I say "...when did you sign up?" "About nine months ago?" Then I say, "ORLY? Because you're account was charged off, and there hasn't been a payment in a year." Then you fall off your stupid pedestal. THEN you realize "I can't talk to you. My attorney told me I can't talk to you." Then I proceed to kick your butt as you're climbing up the pedestal again. "YOUR ATTORNEY? Sir, you're in a third party collection agency. You've got a giant stain on your credit report. You should maybe talk to your consolidation company and let them know that your account is charged off. After that, well, yanno?" Then you panic. "What?" "Oh nothing." "Are you threatening me?" Your backbone peeks its ugly little head out, again. "Nope. I'm just sayin', your account was charged off. No one is going to let you get away with 30k, so you can talk to your 'attorney.'" Then they give me the number for Bottom-Feeder. Sometimes, I go into my spiel on what a scam you have fallen victim to, and to get out while you can. Mostly, I think you all have it coming, and I am sick of trying to be honest and explain something to you, when all you do is keep your dumb butt on a pedestal that DOES NOT EXIST.

Yeah, STEP SIX is where I come in. And the only reason I'm bothering with this entry.

7. I call up Bottom-Feeder. Some bimbo girls picks up the phone, does not say hello, and proceeds to ask me for your social and your name. This girl doesnt even tell me she's transferring me. But she does.
8. My "negotiator" picks up the phone. He asks for your social too. This guy thinks he is the bomb. He doesn't even have time to verify that I'm looking for a negotiator. He is not a negotiator. You know what he is? He is a moron. He follows orders blindly. He is sitting on your account. He doesn't care if your account gets recalled from my office. In fact, his job would be easier if it did. He wouldn't have to hear my annoying voice every day. He asks me what the balance is. And you know what I say? I tell him I need his power of attorney before I talk to him. Just to bust his balls. I mean, I need it legally, but still. Then he says "don't you have it?" And most times, I want to say "No, Idiot. You never contacted my office." But I just politely say no. He doesn't ask for my fax number, but hurries off the phone saying he'll send it in "half an hour." Yes. I never get that fax. Sometimes, I do, most times I don't. In LAYMAN's TERMS: this means that your account sits idle, you keep paying on it, and I don't receive a dime. Your account gets recalled, and what ever happens to you....well, I TOLD YOU SO.

Now, YOU COULD DO ALL THAT.

You could answer your freaking phone. You could ANSWER MY QUESTIONS. I could HELP YOU COME UP WITH AN ACTUAL PLAN. I AM YOUR KEY. YOUR WAY OUT. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. You tell me the honest truth. You tell me how much you make, how much is leaving, and what you've got left over. I will work with you. I will not try to set up a 30k check and have it bounce. I am not a greedy SOB. (DEBT CONSOLIDATION IS). I (surprisingly) care about your credit. Not much, but enough to do my job. I also get paid, so. You can set up a settlement. I'll give you that. I'll give you several options.

Your little company? They don't. I tell them how much you owe, and this is literally what they say to me, "I'm sorry but So-and-So does not have the funds available. Try back in thirty days, have a nice day. We'll get in touch within five to seven days if anything changes." The end. They don't care about a settlement, they DO NOT do payments. They want one lump sum. They want to wash their hands of it. ...well, after they've sat on your cash and farted all over it for like two years. Meanwhile, your credit is gone. BUH-BYE.

http://www.jmbblog.com/the-10-greatest-debt-consolidation-bs/

That site, the guy is a little shorter with it, than I was.

http://articles.webraydian.com/article16171-What_Are_the_Best_Ways_to_Consolidate_My_Debt.html
Meanwhile, this guy, is a jerk and we can all just cross our fingers and hope he somehow gets laid off, acquires massive amounts of debt, and then gets suckered in to his own filth.

so yeah.

MAN. DONT GO WITH ANY CONSOLIDATION COMPANY. Talk to your creditor, talk to a collector. We control what happens. We can fix it. You need to be honest and you need to want to do good by your debt. Yeah, be a wise guy, offer ME a settlement. Tell me stuff. But have good intentions, don't go too far, and yeah. TRY TO WANT TO MAYBE TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHARGING UP A CREDIT CARD.

2009-02-24T21:02:00.003-05:00

So today, I was very, very bored at work. I just felt like it was going to be one of those days. Yesterday, all I did was draw star inverted heart looking star things over and over on scrap paper. ...then it just came to look like someone took a blue pen and started scribbling lots of circles. I got really sick of my blue pen. I put that away and pulled out a brand new sheet. Today was going to be different. Dull, but different. Got my black pen out. OH WAIT and look this is me trying to justify hours of boredom. Instead, I'll show you.

I was going to scan this in...but (I even went downstairs to do this--had my flash drive all ready'n'stuff) there are some technical difficulties. I'm pretty computer illiterate. I don't really care, either. I never noticed it. Maybe illiterate is the wrong word. I just don't hook things up or go through the motions of it. It wastes my time, and if one thing goes wrong, I'm likely to say "well it's a computer, wtf it doesn't know anything." and just walk away until someone else does something. Which reminds me of that clip with Eddie Izzard and the computers. Actually.. I just youtube'd it.

That's how I felt when the printer/scanner didn't work.

Anyway! Needless to say, this is my camera's poor work. However, I wouldn't say my camera stinks at this. LOLOLOLwutev.

And that's that. Until next time...well do whatever you do.

oh and for the record, blogspot DID have a problem with signing in. I just signed in the old fashioned way, and I do recall being taken back countless times as if my email address didn't exist (it did so). But whatever. It's agreed upon that blogspot stinks.

pseudo-art.

2009-02-10T23:40:00.006-05:00

So for a quick second there...Blogspot did not let me sign in. Seriously! I was like WTFRUKIDDING? I mean, what are the chances?

While at work, I doodle. I mentioned this. Here or somewhere. Not good, but certainly time-consuming (considering my time is just waiting). HERE IT IS.

This is my shark being caught by a fisherman. He is angry. I COULD HAVE scanned these in, but frankly...the scanner is downstairs, I have to turn THAT computer on. I don't even know if it is connected...and srsly, why? Taking a picture is quicker.

From left to right. Karl, Edward, Phil, and Jenson. They on a very large swing.

And that's it for now.

edit. And Yeah I can't even put the photo in fancily like I do on livejournal.

Whatajoke.

WOTOTOTOOTTO

2009-01-25T14:32:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year! A bit late. Like I said, I update Livejournal more than ...blogspot. It's a bit more personal because of security options, whereas blogspot is like this THING that yanno, ANYWAY here it is. Today I even signed right in and there was no trouble again. It is true, you get what you want.....after you don't want it anymore. MEH! Anita doesn't even use blogspot anymore. None of the people that I used to know have them. I still have my xanga, but I never use that either. I only got that because Jess had it back in like 2005? or 6? I don't recall.

Well, I started my new job and left Riverwinds. In fact, I never went back to pick up my paycheck. I just...didn't want to go back there. So the other day (Thursday), I received it in the mail. I expected it to be thirty dollars or so. It was almost seventy though. Shocking. Not. I thought I'd be a little sad about leaving, but I'm not really. I miss some of the people, but I had to leave. I wasn't very happy there anyway. SO, this new job is way different. I was in training for about two and a half weeks, then they moved me out of the bullpen (this place for newbies) and into a group. For the past week, our group wasn't formed yet, so we were just getting calls from overflow. Boring stuff. No guidelines. It was like fighting with blindly. Then on Friday afternoon, they set us up! I'm in HSBC Charge Off. "um, wtf is that?" There are three steps if you don't pay UR BILLZ. 1. You get placed into collections. Generally speaking, you just get a phone call every day (at every number you've given us. That can be point of employment to your grandmom). This is when it's affecting your credit and you're score goes down. Not good. 2. Your account is charged off. I can't say I know WTF that means. Just that you're in the second step, your balance can't get any higher (no more interest fees or late fees), and that you're one step away from the pokey (not really). 3. Your account is sent back to the client (whatever credit card company or place you owe) and then they can press charges, take you to court. They can pretty much make you never be able to take a line of credit out again. I don't believe they can arrest you (something I guess I don't understand since technically you're stealing), but yeah. SO, I'm the charge-off. The balances are all over 1k (which was intimidating at first. I get nervous when I see someone with a balance of 22,000 WOT?!!!!!!). I can settle their account for less or help them get onto a payment plan. It's not hard, it's just hard to get a hold of the debtor. Sometimes they pick up the phone and in a phony language say something like "hablo espanol. no english!" and hang up. Which brings me to...

SPANISH! I'm taking Spanish this semester. The first seven weeks I have Spanish 1 and then the second seven I have Spanish II. Believe it or not (I wouldn't), I'm actually excited. I want to learn it so I can talk to these Spanish speaking people and be like "WELL YO HABLO ESPANOL TOO." Then I can proceed to pwn them. I think half of these people are lying anyway. GAH

I sent my letter to Temple to secure my admission for fall of this year. Yeah, they cashed my check but I never heard anything FROM them. I'm kind of ... not really caring? I don't want to go anymore. I do, but I don't. I feel like it's an utter waste of time to go to school and not know what you want to do. The idea is great! "Yeah, let's go to Temple (AWESOME) and get a degree in Photography for the mass media! YAHHHH" yeah, well every Tom, Dick, and Harry have a camera and take photographs. No one needs a degree to pursue that. I mean, at my other job, when Santa came over, they just picked two girls (at random) to take the photos. I was kind of annoyed (considering they knew my major and whatnot), but whatever. I'm not going to get upset because I didn't take picture of kids with Santa. I'm not retarded. I don't even know why I wrote this....OH! Because anyone can take a picture. Yeah, people will want "professional" looking things. Who says I do professional? Who says what "professional" is?! AOISE"OYTY#%"Y*(#)(Y

So there's my dilemma. Do I want to work forty hours at this job forever? No. But then I don't want to work forty hours anywhere. 20? Yeah, sure. I haven't found my calling (LOL IF THERE IS ONE). When I don't like my job, I bust out my novel and continue editing it. I imagine someday I'm going to get it published. I have high hopes (unbelievable) and hope it'll sell. MAYBE even be a movie. I could direct it! I love directing. But I'm only twenty, and I can't think about all the things I can't do (which is what I always focus on). So for right now, this job is okay. The hours are varied enough to where I don't feel stuck in a mindless routine. The people have character and make me laugh (coworkers and debtors alike). I'm right where I should be (right now). I have days when I don't like it (I figure that's how it'll be even if I have the best job in the universe...whateverthatis), but it takes up my time and I see the point to it. With school, I didn't see a point (except for maybe...biding my time until I could figure out what I wanted to do). With this, I can save up, pay off my car, and at some point actually move. When? Who knows, but it's promising.

OH and waitressing! I forgot. Well, for the past..month, I haven't done it. I called out the past...three weeks. Then on one find Saturday, I was told just to not come in "we don't need her." Yeah, okay, THANKS GUYS! I wasn't offended. I was offended when they ate all of my life for the past two years, and then kicked me to the curb before last Christmas..........but not now. So today I called out too. I'll go back to work during Lent. That's when it picks up. I actually miss being stressed out to the point of taking literal "bathroom breaks" and just standing in the bathroom for ten minutes. I also miss walking out with a huge pocket of change. BUT, that's okay. I'm also happy lounging around Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights and feeling like I don't have a care in the world. ...and that I don't care if people want extra butter with their crabs. ASO(OUR"EY(o9Y%(*P_)@#u

SO THERE. MY UPDATE.

Lay in bed and pick my brain.

2008-12-19T21:00:00.006-05:00

So I never update in here (I'm too busy with all of my other journals...I know right?!)(But, I'll still read yours when I remember). My track record is pretty bad. Too bad now I know how to sign in and post (seeing as 1/4 of my entries were dedicated to my progress on signing in). I have nothing really substantial/important to say. So now brace yourselves:

I put my "two weeks notice" in today. I did it over the phone, but I need to bring it in writing. So I have to "drop it off" on Monday. I bet by Monday everyone will find out, and the moment I walk in, I'll get the "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE QUITTING?" It's an unnecessary confrontation. Yes, I am, obviously. No, there's nothing I can really say about it. That's the meat and potatoes right there. AWKWARD.

I still waitress Sunday nights. Still boring. I have a book and I just read mostly. I don't work with any bosses though, so I can drink as many cups of hot chocolate as I want. And even when they come in, I still make my hot chocolate and don't offer them any. (Hey, I brought it in...and second hey! They cut my hours. jerks) Waitressing is beat. I'd quit but it's literally right down the street, what would be the point? It's not a hassle.

Finished Christmas Shopping finally. Bath and Body Works had a three dollar sale on all of their chapstick. Which...is great if you bite your lips and have sensitive skin in the winter (aka Carmen). The mall wasn't too packed tonight, traffic into Cherry Hill was another story entirely. Anything else? Yeah. I mean, other things but I feel weird updating in blogspot about them. So instead, I'll say some really trivial things that are impersonal. Sue lost her job (Sue being the 60 year old waitress that always put me down when I worked. "Hey, I'm here to make money, not to just stand around and look good." Sorry, didn't realize making money meant not brushing your hair and looking like you're dead. MY BAD) Anyway, I feel bad, but not enough to really let it get to me.

School wise...Eh. (before I get into this...let me just say my old Music Theory teacher [from high school] was arrested for distribution of Child Porn. Yeah. I know. SHOCKING. It's on the news. CRAZY. He taught me G-tar. How nutso is that? Anyway, yeah) I dropped both classes except for the Spanish..es. That's all I could fit with my new work schedule. Now I'm a bill collector. Sounds miserable, doesn't it? It does, I really hope it's not. I think I have a pretty good grasp on communication and can deal with people, but then, at the same time, I don't know how I'd react if someone was calling me names and freaking out via phone. I guess we'll find that out when the time comes. So my work schedule is like Monday and Wednesdays 12 - 9. And then the other days are ...something else. She confused me. Training starts the 29th. I have to dress business-y. I did that for Riverwinds. Again, not really ME, but they have "casual Friday." She said people wear.............sweatpants. I wouldn't be caught dead in sweatpants, though. That's saying you've given up on life.

YEAH. That's really all. My art projects (all 14 of them) are in my trunk. I only noticed them today. They'll probably stay there, since he talked smack on them. (Actually, I just don't know where to put them.)

And I kind of want to vacuum my car. I have cinnamon in the one cup holder. I must've eaten lots of pretzels in my car or something. I want it to snow.

I thought that was a good movie. some people don't, but I thought it was hysterical.

watching forevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver, watching love grow

2008-11-27T22:18:00.006-05:00

Miraculously (though this is probably the most idiotic thing that everyone probably already knows), I've figured out how to sign into blogspot. All I have to do is sign into my gmail account, and when I get to blogspot, just click "sign in" and voila(!), I'm signed in. Pretty basic stuff that I should have figured out ohhhh maybe when I created this ~~journal~~ blog.

You have to love the fact that something slightly major happened in just over a month (since I've last posted). Instead of attending Temple in the Spring semester...yeah, it's been pushed back to the Fall. By "it's," I really mean My Stupidly Lazy And Unmotivated Self pushed it back. Yes, see I should have been like everyone else, and taken a language my first or second semester here. That way, I wouldn't have been waiting until the last minute, when I'm completely (compared to sort of in my first year) sick of classes I don't need for my major. Needless to say, I attempted Spanish online twice and had to withdraw. My interest in the class was, dare I say, minimal. I took it online to avoid the embarrassment of having to actually speak it in front of other classmates. I tried using the translator online but that could only do so much. So, my grade was a low C and I didn't want to ruin my GPA, so I withdrew. I needed an A on my final to earn a C or maybe a B. With that, I went to my adviser and I was "advised" to stay an extra semester to finish. Apparently Temple will only take me if I finish the core-to-core agreement. If not, my courses aren't acknowledged.

Does anyone else smell utter crap? Yeah, that's what I thought. So, next semester my course load is completely different (kind of how this one was compared to my last one). I carry twelve credits, but for the first seven weeks, I'm taking a Spanish class (IN PERSON AAHHHHHHH) at the Cherry Hill campus, and the second half of the semester is Spanish two. It's a night class. I think it's Tuesday and Thursdays from 5 to 8 or something. I know that if I'm in person, I have a way better shot at earning at least a B, because I'll actually be forced to pay attention and try (online, I sign in once a week and just use a translator for quizzes...have to love how tactless I am). I'm taking a History of Photography class and a Studio Photography class. You'd think that with all of these photography courses...I'd actually maybe major in it.

Nah.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to be a columnist for a magazine. How cliche? Is that even a cliche? I'd like to take photographs for a magazine. Or maybe I'd like to take photographs for advertisements. I know it's utterly ridiculous to imagine freelancing, so that's completely out. Sometimes I think I'm an idiot for dropping Photojournalism as a major (most times I don't). I just don't have any idea what I'm going to be doing. I mean, for real, this is my life and I haven't the slightest clue. Maybe if I sat down and actually finished one of my novels, I could try to get that published. If only I could overcome my ridiculously stupid need to criticize the crap out of my work until I refuse to pick up the pen. ....yanno the usual stuff.

I can't waitress forever. Hahahah and I can't work at a gym forever either. I need to think of something quick. I don't want to be updating blogspot next year, turning twenty-one and saying "well I'm still at county and I still don't know what I'm doing."

This has been far too long.

:) as much as I enjoy Joy Division/New Order's, I can't help but enjoy this in its own way.

maybe next year, this time, I'll be a signed musician with way improved guitar skills and better songs. yeah, my little dreams are still remembered.

Hello

2008-10-11T16:09:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how this happened, but for some mysterious reason...I was already signed into Blogspot. Is that not the strangest thing? Considering my track record, this downright bizarre. I suppose I should update this thing while I still can then!

Temple is where I'll be transferring to in the spring. I'll be living at home and commuting. I'd much rather be in a familiar place, working my same job, and having the ability to have something more constant. I guess another obvious reason is the cost of living there is pretty high. Instead, I'll save enough money up to move out. Ideally, I'd like to get a mortgage (alone), and work for that. I'm not sure where I'd like to live, and I think I'd like to visit a few places before I settle down.

This semester is much more my thing in comparison to the other semesters. This is all focused on art and photography. I'm in a two-dimensional design class. It's mainly cutting construction paper out and painting things. I'm not any good at artsy things. I'll keep trying, but I produce mediocrities compared to many other people.

Next month I'll be a whopping twenty years on Earth. Twenty! Yikes. I still feel young. I kept thinking (last year, a few months ago, etc) that being twenty would automatically make me "old" and "dead-like." I feel like (for the first time in my life) I'm right where I'm "supposed" to be. Again, for the first time in my life, I actually almost enjoy it. I'm writing a lot more than I have these past few years. I've been taking more photographs (mostly because of my requirements for photography classes), and I'm much more content with them. In terms of music...well I can't say I've picked up my guitar any more than normal. I have written a new song during the summer, and I really enjoyed it. Naturally, I played it for my number one (and only) fan (aka Roxy), and she actually despised it. She said my voice took a turn for the worst. I lack substance. The idea is good, but I sound like I'm not trying. After that, I guess I put down the guitar and haven't picked it up. I will soon enough. I really liked playing open mics.

Back to my birthday. If nothing else, I feel like my mom is the oldest (duh). I feel like with each year I gain, she's almost losing one? It's only natural for children to outlive their parents, but I don't like the idea of getting old..ish and she just becomes ancient? Bahhh, I know what I mean. This is dumb.

Well, I best be getting to work. In about a half an hour, I'll be wishing I was here (only not at my computer). I probably won't see this screen for another (almost) year. So if any of you (ha ha ha, not that anyone uses blogspot) read this, it'd be the wiser move to create a livejournal. I'm actually trying to be more positive, so no more pooping all over everything.

Jens Lekman - I'm Leaving You Because I Don't Love You

Water carries us from here

2008-01-24T20:14:00.001-05:00

In an attempt to read Josef's blog, I decided to sign into my own (an attempt that seemed futile as I signed on in). I did manage to sign in and read my old posts.

I earned an A on my photography portfolio, and have since then tried to get in touch with the folks from Temple. They contacted me back and their news was anything but pleasant...which then tore down the next two (planned) years I had. What to do...what to do. I'm going to get my Associate's Degree in Photojournalism this summer. Afterwards, I intend on taking a few more courses and getting my Associate's Degree in Photography. At which point, I presume I'll actually have enough prints/experience to create a presentable portfolio, and then I hope to be accepted into a Bachelor program and earning my Bachelor's in Photography and perhaps Journalism just to top my cake. When I sit and think about how depressing it is to spend another year and a half here at this county school (which isn't a bad school or anything), I want to hang my head in shame. On the other hand, when I think about the good that can come of this, I feel more inclined to keep on keeping on. I just have to think about it in a more positive light than a negative one. Otherwise I will shit all over my dreams, ideas, and hopes.

In other non-related news, Josef and I did see Owen that dreadfully hot that turned into a dreadfully stormy cold crappy night. Mike Kinsella is a beast on guitar and a beast with his phat beats. He's such a beast that we're actually scheduled to see him once more in Philly April 6th! I am excited. The Mountain Goats are also coming to that same place in March and I have yet to decide if I want to go.

More news. I played Barrington almost every Thursday during winter break with Brennan. Those were the highlights of my mediocre break (which I happened to work all of, and sleep, and mope among other things). I don't intend on playing until he comes back because meh, I don't really feel like it!

Other news. The semester has just begun on Wednesday the 23rd. Something I disliked and still now dislike. To my dismay, I have a one hour break that I sit and read during. I don't like the community center because there are too many people there, not to mention that they are all equally annoying and I probably would hate them all if I got to know them. Maybe that isn't true. But, to spare them and myself, I just would rather spend my 11 - 12 one hour break in Lincoln Hall, on a bench, reading a book and listening to ze mewzak.

My shoes are coming in the mail tomorrow around noon, I presume. I am thoroughly excitttttted considering that I have purchased three pairs in the past two days and have returned two (thus waiting for the third tomorrow!!).

So from a six day work week, following this Tuesday, I will now have a five day work week. The good news is that I don't have to deal with shitty people and their shitty complaints or their shitty compliments. The bad news is that I'll realize that I have absolutely no life, am losing money for not working, and that I'm just going to have an extra day to sit around eating unsalted almonds and reading. Maybe I'll videotape myself all day and then watch it, perhaps realize how lazy I've gotten, and then (!!!) maybe write a new song! Ah, but that is called forcefully writing, thus equaling complete bullshit in terms of music, hence making my music a fraud.

Do I make sense? Probably not. Will I? I sincerely doubt it. At best, I am a writer, a poet, a musician. At worst, I am a fraud, a joke, a complete waste of everyone's time. The good news is that I acknowledge all of this.

Most people do not.

WELL

2007-10-16T18:38:00.001-04:00

It took me about twenty minutes to sign in, and I don't think it was worth it. I am still much more fond of livejournal.

I've developed my two motion pictures. I really like them, I just wish I could get rid of the dust in the photo without having to waste so much PAPER. It cost me 65 dollars for a hundred sheets of paper. SIXTY FIVE! I am by no means in debt or anything but so far I've spent 165 on a camera, about 75 dollars on film, and about 85 dollars on paper (altogether). Still, I don't feel connected to my major, my class, or to my future in any way aside from feeling as if at some point in the future, I will be broke because of my expensive habit (?).

School is beat, I can't wait to earn my Associate's, save enough money, and move to Sweden. I really would like to. Some ask, "Well why don't you move back to Romania?" That's like saying, "Why don't you move back to (insert almost-communist country with no money)?" Because I am not a fool!!!

I'm going to see Owen Friday night. I think I'm going to play an open mic in Barrington on Thursday. I haven't played because I haven't felt very connected to my music, but now I feel closer to it than I originally thought (which seems hard to believe).

Work is beat, too. Us waitresses are going to dress up as vampires for Halloween; it should be fairly amusing.

Also, I really would like to see The Mountain goats. You're probably wondering why I can't type a capital g. It's because my keyboard has the sniffles. I don't know what's wrong with my computer but on any given day, it'll decide to shut off certain keys. The keyboard itself is not defective, it's my COMPUTER. Strange, I know.

Alright, I suppose I won't see this screen for another two months since I'll be too frustrated to sign in!

2007-09-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was going to update this a while ago but couldn't! I couldn't log in. This is really a sham; I never had a problem with livejournal. Then again, I've spent the past five years or so using good LJ.

Hm, school starts tomorrow. I'm five more classes closer to my Associate's.

Seriously, I think I'm just going to stay in school forever. I don't think I'll ever figure out what I want to do, and I don't even think I can actually accomplish anything I'd like to do. I wanted to be a psychologist but figured I'd be a failure so opted to be a teacher. Then I came to the realization that I can't really stand that many people, or little children, so I turned to photojournalism. Only then I realized that I don't even want to be a journalist but just a photographer. I didn't want to change my major AGAIN, so I just opted to get my two-year degreeeeeeee and go to a four year school for photography and maybe journalism.

Oh and another aside, if you're not going to take my advice, don't ask for it. A good nine times out of ten, I'm right and you telling me how your decision was wrong, just annoys me.

I caved

2007-08-13T01:25:00.000-04:00

After Anita told me she created a blog, I decided, "Well, why not?" That, combined with the fact that I have enough livejournals and greatestjournals to supply an army, made me cave. I don't particularly like the idea of having a place to share my thoughts, feelings, and whathaveyou with generally anyone on the internet buuuuuuut, I'm giving it a go and seeing where it lands. At least with livejournal, it was more private and very few people could see this BUT LO AND BEHOLD, I am now open. NOT.

At some point in the future (perhaps if I actually keep this), I may turn this into a music blog (I kind of always wanted to do that).

Fingers crossed since my dedication to something like a blog seems trivial.